when you have nothing to say but wanna say something anyway

damn. i miss everyone, and i haven't even really talked to anyone today.

you know what salinger's holden caulfield said about not telling anybody anything lest you start missing everybody? well, it's true. but in this case, i haven't even been talking about anything for the past 24 hours, as i'm still in bangag mode after a whole week of rushing my deliverables. and my calvary is far from over.

last week, i told stef that i was suddenly missing choi. for some reason unbeknownst to myself, while on board the pasay road jeep on my way home, i felt like whipping out my so non-snatchable phone and calling her up right then and there to just tell her i missed her. we used to be thick as thieves, choi and i, as thesis partners not so long ago in a galaxy far away in diliman. she's now working her magic over in the land of ninjutsu and j-pop (she's studying, mind you) while i'm here busting my ass as corporate slave extraordinaire. we once hatched this crazy plan to try applying for a scholarship in sweden (or some other scandinavian country, i forget) and actually going if we did get in. as we started talking about it some more and in a less feverish tone (meaning, we were actually almost kinda sorta serious about it), i was thinking to myself, she's one of my closest friends ever and i love her to bits and everything, but as much as i wanted to be with her in a foreign land and do all kinds of crazy stuff and all, i wasn't really feeling it coz i so didn't want to pull the joined-at-the-hip thing with her. it's not her, of course. it's me. i can't do the 24/7 thing with anyone, i'd go crazy. or to be fair, should that happen with anyone, they'd be driven nuts. no kidding. but i digress.

moving forward.. this week, well actually i haven't had the time to miss anyone in particular, not until today. i blame it all on multiple replays of my song du jour (wake me up when september ends by green day--check out the muzak section for a quick listen). here i go again. nothing evokes the mood for reminiscin' like this song does. i had the sudden urge to repost all the pics from my puerto galera trip with the people from valero last april in friendster. this i did, and then some.

i guess missing people is good, if only to remind yourself that you actually felt alive at some point in your life when most of your days were spent with them. of course, i'm not only talking about my torrid love affairs (haha! as if). i appreciate the fact that i have good friends right here right now. but that doesn't make the yearning for all those who are so far away go away, nor does it diminish it any damn bit. of course, there's the geographic barriers excuse. but what's really a bitch is the matter of emotional disconnection. you just aren't as close as you once had been.

now i'm left to wonder what they're doing, how they're doing, even who they're doing (hahaha! there there, just playing. you can pick up your jaw from the floor now =). inevitably, i get to wonder if they even miss me at all. despite being the biggest proponent for friendster/myspace/YM messaging, i fail to make good on my promises to keep in touch on a regular basis. of course, sometimes it's not even up to me, but it just gets sad because reality gets in the way. life gets in the way. sometimes we just have to move on, make new memories and just get out there and discover life with other people. while the past is all good, nothing really lasts forever. friendship does, love does. but the intensity at which you experienced life at certain points in time cannot be replicated. forgive me if i'm being vague again. lemme rephrase. the uniqueness of the moments you had during these times is what ultimately gets me down, because you can only hope for things to get better with them. and when you realize that that was it, that you're about to plateau (prolly coz you know your time with them is running out.. or not), then it all goes downhill. then you find other avenues that would provide you with the same kind of high that you once were fortunate enough to have experienced. you go out to party or karaoke or whatever, you have wonderful talks over coffee that last into the wee hours of the morning with other good friends, you hie off to the gym and badminton courts and playing fields to engage yourself in a high-stakes game or two just to get that endorphin rush. and it doesn't have to end there. there's also french language classes next month and muay thai and surfing (yep, why the hell not?) next year. possibly even skydiving, if your finances are agreeable. even if you're the introvert type, there's still nothing to really prevent you from meeting people from all walks of life that you might have super moments with. if you get lucky, they might even turn out to be people you might want to blow your 500-peso load on on a whim and call on your way home aboard a jeepney filled with unsavory-looking characters, not minding the static that calling across 50 thousand miles will give you. just to say you miss them.

all in all, memories are good. in fact, they're the best. but the thing is, even memories don't last. at least they don't the way they should. aging gets in the way. life gets in the way. i really wonder how i'll get through knowing this.